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Jimmy Kimmel Targets Bob Iger, ‘Blue Bloods,’ P Diddy & Golden Bachelorette At Disney Upfront: “A Game Show Where You Can Win An Old Lady”

After a two-year absence from the upfront stage, Jimmy Kimmel was back Tuesday to take aim at Bob Iger, P Diddy, CBS and the new Golden Bachelorette.

Introduced by Kerry Washington — who he said was the “last decent lead-in I ever had” — Kimmel had fun with an artificial version of Bob Iger on screen and another version of the Golden Bachelor franchise called The Golden Retriever: Love is a Bitch.

Here’s his monologue:

“Let’s hear it for all the talented stars who were forced to come here today because of a clause in their contract their agents didn’t bother to read. I am glad you’re all inside. I heard Amazon left you guys out on the porch. You’re lucky you didn’t get stolen.”

“It is so great to be back in the abandoned shopping cart district. And as I look out into your long dead marketing executive eyes, I am filled with a sense of enthusiasm that is truly unrivaled. I don’t know if you can tell I’m igniting pure joy right now. Two years ago, I couldn’t be here in person because I had Covid and last year I couldn’t be here because of the writers strike. And this year I couldn’t think of a third excuse. I tried diarrhea on the plane, but I guess they get that all the time now.”

“But it’s so good to be back. You’re probably wondering why I am so giddy today. Okay, I’ll tell you why. It’s because Disney is using proprietary meta-tagging data that leverages video intelligence to tap into the moods and emotions within the content we create. That’s why I’m so proud of what we’ve done here, being a part of innovations like Disney’s Magic words. Until this afternoon, I thought Disney’s magic words were Bibbidy Bobbidy, we own everything. Fuck you.”

“It would seem I was mistaken. Half the world’s population connects with

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